I spent the whole weekend at Redhead Beach, no-one was open for me to source the desperately needed part for the van so I enjoyed the location and had much time for introspection, particularly on relationships closely formed and broken, formed and broken, coming and going – no lesson learnt? Then try again. I was intent on learning from this last one, what was it that caused so much friction? I am so grateful of the wonderful advice I received from you dear reader, so upon review discovered a few things about myself.
When there is tension, annoyance, irritation with another then mostly – and I attest – there is something within ME that the annoyance came from. I looked carefully at the examples I had been given – what bugged me about the other? Her speech, her action? I saw the neurosis of mind that manifested into words and I then saw it in myself, the pure selfishness, the uncontrollable desire to turn conversation into something about me or about someone that I know, that unconscious aggrandizement that strove towards a futile self-identification. I had seen these qualities in myself over the years and had worked hard to alter my verse to something more creative, something based on the sharing of ideas and objective thinking – I enjoyed the new me and delighted in equal dialogue.
What I did not realise was that part of me had been suppressed through this action and after laying dormant was activated by the other, using emotion it’s vehicle it surfaced and manifested into short tense words. Instead of burying I had to accept, to love this wayward aspect of personality. My dear friend from Adelaide, an accomplished, amazing counsellor and incredible shamanic healer – Prue Blackmore – sent me a wonderful guide to follow – Shadow Retrieval. This work allowed me to search inside, uncover from the depths of my psyche aspects of myself that through conditioning I thought to be wrong and hid from society – this was such a simple yet powerful tool to guide us through the darkness within. The document is attached if you so feel to use it – it comes highly recommended, as does a session with Prue who you can get hold of via thrivebydesign.com.au
It was Monday and while at Redhead Beach I could call the car wreckers in town to source a new computer for the van, the act however was difficult and disheartening, some places offered other places and other places simply gave a no. I went for a walk along the beach and said good morning to someone heading out for a paddleboard on the surf. Upon return I continued scouring the map for a lead – my search widened to Sydney, many did not have the part I was after and I could find only one ECU for sale – in New Zealand. Oh what to do.
The paddleboarder returned to her van, parked not far from me and we struck a conversation, she owned a car yard in a suburb nearby and upon discovering the reason for my choice of campground opened her phone and began to call around, she had contacts in the mechanical business and directed me toward a friend of hers in Hamilton. I find it very synchronous that during despair if I maintain mindfulness a solution presents itself and much to my delight externally! So to my conflicting frustration and joy the van was running again, I made it 20 minutes before the engine began to sporadically switch off, once again, as I pulled up at the destination there was no need to cut the engine manually. I walked inside and met those who would be next to attempt this resolution.
Kevin the owner and manager, was on the phone when I walked in, the place was akin to a classic small town mechanic, the office was a tiny extension to the main shop, posters of cars and car parts obviously donated by the manufacturers as an advertising medium adorned the walls leaving little empty space, a desk stood between us covered in paperwork, giant ink soaked blotter pads, thick glossy part catalogues and small unidentifiable engine parts. The entire office wore a dusty dark layering receiving transference from its adjoining garage and held a mildly comforting aroma of grease.
Kevin ran the van for the afternoon and couldn’t fault it, more frustration for me. I opted to send the ECU off for deeper investigation, five business days. Mum drove down to pick me up.
So far it has been a week without the van, and I have been struggling, this vehicle is my home and my licence for adventure. I feel as though I have been uprooted, the desire to move is so strong yet I am bound, inert, a leaf without the breeze, a bird without its wings. I work with this and appreciate what is, I have a roof over my head, wonderful meals, a warm bed and a loving mother. Am I learning to be happy wherever I am?