I am finding it difficult to write this journal entry, this experience if judged appeared to be a negative one and we naturally avert from that which does not please us. I attempt to write this impartially and without ego aggrandizement, sure I could leave this out but running away from a bad experience only furthers the misery.
The show must go on.
After Vipassana I called a lover in Sydney to stay the night, why I did it straight away I do not know as a part of me wanted to find somewhere to camp the night and process the meditation instead of heading straight down. Actually, I wanted to travel north straight away. This act, felt completely out of my control, I have a penchant for sacrificing my own desires for another’s happiness. I drove down the hill, stopping in beautiful Katoomba for laundry, coffee and internet. I then continued on to Sydney. What a strange feeling being in civilisation was – cars, people, and advertising, my senses were heightened but it did not take long before the intense colours and sounds began to subdue into my normal every day experience. I arrived at the unnamed lover’s place and spent the night. The next day was rocky, there were heated conversations, looking back I can see the fog, thickened by emotion, preventing awareness and right speech, sabotaging a caring attitude. It is confusing even still, the intent for compassion and nurturing was there but right in the moment the action escaped me.
We planned for a 4 day camping trip, somewhere isolated, in nature, absolved from metropolitan sensations. We travelled up into the Blue Mountains to Mount Wilson, it had snowed that morning and the area was a magical wonderland, giant deciduous trees planted in architectural rows along the streets, fields of white snow covered once manicured lawn behind quaint picket fencing. The campground was vast and we were the only occupants, affording an excellent location, backing onto snow blotched rainforest.
We lasted a night. The next day at it again, arguments, accusations and long confusing silences while each party sought reasonable (and unreasonable) words to bolster their position. The air was afire with throat clenching emotions, when it got too much one of us went for a walk. Eventually after a few hours of attempting and pitifully failing reconciliation it was agreed to return to the city, I would drop her off home and we would go our separate ways. We travelled the two and a half hours back in silence.
I felt stunned and drained as I lit a cigarette for the journey alone out of Sydney, it was dark and rain was pouring down. I tried to find music to soothe my nerves, I recited mantras and focused on the breath with atrophic alertness, this furious feeling was burning off my body like a log taken out of the fire to smoke and sizzle. I didn’t care where I was going as long as it was north, eventually my break was at a rest stop after an hour of driving, I found distraction in books and movies before passing out.
That had been the strangest ‘relationship’ I have had, it was as if we were married and this was the divorce. The whole thing had lasted for a month and really we were with each other for about a third of that time, it was as if I were drawn to her but in her presence wanted desperately to escape – constantly shifting magnets, attract, repel, attract, repel. I have learnt much from this but will I be able to have the presence of mind to act on these teachings during my next social encounter?